hiatus

After a long hiatus, you find it hard to earn back the momentum that has always kept you going. You wonder if your sneakers still fits you or if you still smile the same way. It’s as if you are a deflated ball- hell yeah, a deflated rubber ball that got stuck somewhere on the floor after a bad game. Thanks to gravity, you used to get that 30-second-shot worth of three grand points or even maybe an MVP award. How real your life seems like a basketball. And often times, you find yourself in a basket case. Perfect.

Remember the first time you earned your star in kindergarten, you thought you were the only one who can draw a perfect circle; when you had your essay read in class, and you had to stop yourself from smiling while looking at how the other kids wished they were you; that time when you were first asked to list the noisy pupils in front, while feeling perfectly cool about acting older than the rest; that time when you first played for a team, you just wanted the jersey; that time when you first lead a cheering squad,  while trying so hard so look normal while dancing JLo’s songs; that time when you found your first circle, and school meant wearing purple everyday; that time when you first won a song-writing contest, and you actually knew you can sing; that very first time when you actually sang in front of a crowd, and you never felt so brave in your life; that time when you first wore elephant pants, and you were so into your MTV and Aaron Carter; that time when you first spoke your mind in a debate with the conviction of a lawyer; that time when you first gave your an advice, and you knew you won a friend… Remember when you used to be the tallest girl in class, and you thought it was going to stay like that forever.

You remember. And so many other things are still there making you remember. Reminding you to eat your breakfast every time, making you wear your Sunday dresses in a special way, singing love songs to you, making you ride roller coasters, and eat burgers and fries, and dance like crazy… the way things used to be. These are the people who would literally bring Cinderella at the foot of you bed if you wanted to. Please thank them for that. Really. And these are the songs that bring poignant feelings from your throat and down to your stomach.

Days go on and so many other new things come your way. But no matter how funny, and happy, and magical things are, sleeping has already become an option and eating has turned out to be a luxury. Parties have always been so noisy and conversations just take your time away. Now the world seems to be a complicated piece of matter that has always frightened you.  You run away. Yes you do. And you don’t even know why.

You look into a mirror from time to time. And in these moments of silence you see what you want to see. Why, she’s a 20-something prayer that has always tucked you in bed at night. You are still in your perfect hiatus. A state of mind and heart and even of being. Something that you need to go through when you know you want it. So just chill  and and keep listening to that music even if it makes you want to bang your head every time. And if ever you choose to run away, get back in the way that you can. Though not as soon, but get back. You are closest to your dreams from where you are lying down. And you know you can see the stars from here.

Good night rubber ball.